by nathan s. chow

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I guess this piece I wrote below is appropriate during all the political trash talk today, all the dependence on leaders and not on ourselves, and all the emphasis on the grand laws and not the simple human emotions.

May YOU make all the difference today, every day, and for the rest of your life.

<3 Love Always,
Nathan

Cross-posted to Facebook Notes and http://oncewelive.com.

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How dare we expect no nation to declare war when our own household and circle of friends is brewing a Cold War?

How dare we expect two nations to sign an immediate peace treaty when we don’t even expect ourselves to immediately hug, sit, and listen instead of getting the last word into a fight?

How dare we demand all nations to tear down their walls when we are building our own around every stranger we encounter?

How dare we write a letter to our senator pleading for a national ceasefire when we haven’t even written a sincere apology letter to our own ex-best-friend?

How dare we reveal our nation’s wrongs when we haven’t even revealed our own wrongs?

How dare we invent a way to talk to an astronaut in space when we haven’t even embraced a way to listen to the one sitting next to us with grace?

How dare we find a way to make our lives longer by finding cure after cure when we still haven’t even committed to make our relationships stronger by making love endure?

How dare we expect our nation to do so much for the homeless when we haven’t even done a little for our own homeless neighbor just begging to be smiled at?

How dare we have so much pride in voting in every election when we don’t even cast our own personal “vote” for change every morning when we wake up?

How dare we blame political leaders when we don’t even blame ourselves?

How dare we look down on anyone who doesn’t open the newspaper and doesn’t know what’s happening in the world when we don’t even open our eyes and see what’s happening in our lives?

How dare we depend on the people with big titles to make a change when we don’t even realize the extent of our own power?

How dare we preach and pray from the safety of our homes when we don’t even participate and perform on the front lines of life?

The next time we look in the mirror, let us look a little closer, a little longer.

Let us dare to change OUR world before we change THE world.

Love Always,
Nathan

2 am: They went to my friend’s apartment with me to help move her couch down the stairs and outside.

10 am: They woke up early on a weekend to come back and help my friend pack stuff and clean the apartment.

1 pm: They drove us to Goodwill to donate stuff.

2 pm: They took one trip to drive my friend to the airport. They came back for a second trip to drive my friend’s mom to the airport.

This is all within 13 hours of meeting them.

This world is full of good. And strangers are just friends you’ve never met. Believe it. <3

CouchSurfing is an online network for strangers to find “couches”—beds, futons, floors—to sleep on during their travels. In general, the program is very safe, but before you host someone or get hosted by someone, you check their list of references and how many other people they know in order to gauge their legitimacy. The site’s philosophy is that travel is not only about locations but also about people. CS “envisions a world where everyone can explore and create meaningful connections with the people and places they encounter.” (If you’re interested in joining, add me as a friend.)

My first guest was Ana, a Spanish student here in the U.S. for just a week. I hosted her for two nights and showed her around Boston. For CSers, one of the most important things to observe in a city is its people and culture. She asked a lot about American life and also pointed out several differences between America and Spain. My favorites:

- Our flag in the Boston Public Library is HUGE, possibly signifying our immense amount of self-love and entitlement. Nowhere in Europe would you find a flag that big.

- Of all the things she saw in Boston, she was possibly most amazed at the big size of my fridge. Fridges and plates of food are twice the size of the ones in Europe. “Could I take a picture of your fridge?!” she asked. I said yes and that often the things you want to show your friends back at home are not photos of the Statue of Liberty or Times Square or whatnot but little cultural and social details like that.

- Americans are awful at being fashionable. No explanation needed.

- When we were eating lunch in Quincy Marketplace, I noticed an attractive young lady sitting next to us, reading a Boston guide. I struck up a conversation with her and found out she was a med student from France and that she was traveling alone for that day. After talking with her for a bit, I told her I was showing Ana around and asked if she would like to join us. She said yes, and for the next few hours, we all toured Boston together, discussed American culture (or lack of), got incredibly wet together, and took photos of each other (Mathilde’s camera malfunctioned right before we met, so she was extra grateful we met her and were able to take photos for her and of her). After we said bye to Mathilde in the evening, Ana asked me, “Meeting someone you don’t know like that is not typical in America, right?” I said “Right.”

(I guess my openness to strangers is not very American. Read http://nathanchow.net/journal/2010/01/27/on-peace-love-and-harmony-part-i-believing/ for how I hitched a car ride from strangers when I was stranded on an island once! It restored my faith in humanity.)

Some of my own reflections on all this:

- I might say I learned as much about my town and country as Ana and Mathilde did. Almost everything they pointed out about America was known to me already, but for some reason, having a foreigner directly say those things to me drilled it into me. When I invited Mathilde on our tour, she correctly pointed out that I got to see things I normally don’t see in my town (I went on the Freedom Trail for my first time!). But on a deeper level, it’s as if I see my own town through Spanish and French eyes now. Marcel Proust: “The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.”

- Saying good-bye to Mathilde and Ana made me feel as if I were one of the characters in the films “Before Sunrise” and “Before Sunset.” This first CouchSurfing experience, along with welcoming another stranger to join my “tour,” really was about human connection. If I were to describe CS: You meet someone you might never see again, but you know you have a few days—or a few hours—to connect. You let them into your home, you step into theirs. You teach them, you learn from them. You do all this while knowing that shortly after hello is the threat of good-bye. It doesn’t matter. What happens between hi and bye is what matters—it’s yours, it’s theirs, it’s shared. And it’s kept forever.

Some special thanks: <3

- Leanne: (I just met her because she was a fan of one of my blogs.) I had a wonderful conversation with you and Ana on Ana’s first night here. Thanks for coming over so late on a Sunday night! More food adventures and dares to follow..

- Kayla H.: Thanks for stopping by! I rarely get to see you anymore. Put on your coat! We will finish our barter soon.. and possibly add more to it lol.

- Rossella and Sima: Thanks for introducing me to CouchSurfing!

- Sima and Weronika: Thanks for your very well-kept and frequently updated blogs on Spain. Some of the things I talked to Ana about were inspired by your posts!

- Paul: Thank you for allowing me to bring Ana over!

By the End of My Life:

• I want to have made every decision I ever wanted to make and have no regrets about the past.

• I want to have left something behind that outlives my life and that continues to make a difference in the world (mainly my teachings, films, writings, and future children).

• I want to have left the world a much more loving, compassionate, understanding, and forgiving place.

• I want to have found laughter and beauty everywhere possible.

• I want to have given everything I could’ve given in all my years on earth.

Promises to an Older Self:

• To always fill my room and office with mementos of loved ones (whether photos of them or cards and letters from them)–NOT diplomas, degrees, and awards. My greatest pride is in the love I have given and the love that has been given to me, not in my achievements and titles. Framed plaques don’t fully symbolize the ways I grew or capture my fondest memories. That credit always belongs to the people I’ve met along the way.

• To continue being curious about the world, life, and the people around me. To continue to read and write. To continue to teach and learn.

• To know that when I come home from work really tired and my kids rush towards me and nearly pull me down to the floor with their excitement, that these moments won’t last for long and that I should cherish the few years they’ll be doing that.

• To romance my wife in old age. To be content and appreciative of our changed type of love but still pursue her as if we were dating. Every day, to make her feel as loved as ever and desirable beyond measure.

• For my wife and I to be that set of grandparents whose gentleness, wisdom, and stories make kids wonder where we get our sense of caregiving from.

• For my wife and I to be that couple whose laughter, adventure, and joy of life make people wonder where we get our energy from.

• To continue to tell everyone what they’ve meant to my life and to continue to hear what I’ve meant to their lives.

• To continue to remind myself every day that the greatest gift the world gives me is the awareness that I will have to die someday. With that, I make my life as full of peace, love, and happiness as possible and I make my existence as full of purpose as possible and as much of a legacy as possible.

Happy Chinese and Lunar New Year!!!!!!!!

Today (February 13th) marks the eve of the first day of the Lunar New Year in 2010. Although it is celebrated by most Asians, different countries have different ways of celebrating it. In this note, I can tell you only about the Chinese ways—and in most cases, the traditions, beliefs, and practices I mention are the ones that just my own family has passed down and kept.

Also, instead of writing an essay this year, I decided to present this note as an array of tidbits on Chinese culture that are easily dipped into (although the note is best read beginning to end):

The Zodiac

- The Chinese Zodiac cycles through 12 years, each one associated with an animal. Your year of birth determines your zodiac sign and personality.

- Today is the first day of the new year of the Tiger. Tigers are born in 2010, 1998, 1986, 1974, etc. and are known to be brave, competitive leaders who are charming and well-liked.

Food, Family, and Community

- Meals are always considered a joyous time for community and bonding. The Chinese value food and community mealtime so much that “Have you eaten yet?” is often the very first thing asked after a hello in any conversation. It’s the equivalent to the American “How are you?”. In very traditional villages, it’s a sin to let anyone—even strangers—eat alone.

- In Chinese restaurants, especially “dim sum” restaurants over a weekend, community and family values are very evident:
- The restaurant is often an extraordinarily huge open space in which everyone can see everyone. It’s as if we lose our sense of self and become part of the community.
- Each table is always round, stressing the importance of sitting in a circle.
- Tables with families often have all three generations present (the elderlies, the adults, and the children), illustrating the importance of family togetherness. In contrast, people of the same age often go to restaurants together in America.
- Dishes are served “family-style,” meaning they’re placed in the middle for everyone to share. The Chinese also serve others before they serve themselves.
- “Dim sum” translates to “to your heart’s content”—maybe because patrons point, pick, and choose dishes to their heart’s content.

- But while gathering together for a meal is important even on an ordinary day, it is considered almost sacred during the New Year’s Eve dinner. So many families travel to see their relatives just to eat with them that the days surrounding Chinese New Year are known as the world’s largest annual human migration, with more people traveling than during the winter holiday season worldwide.

The Nian Monster and “Gung Hay Fat Choy”

- The famous phrase “Gung Hay Fat Choy”—which people say to mean “Happy New Year”—actually literally translates to “Congratulations and Be Prosperous.” Congratulations on what?

- According to an ancient myth, the Nian monster (”Nian” translates to Year) was an ugly dragon that came out in the winter to eat people and livestock. Soon, villagers discovered that it was afraid of the color red, loud sounds, and light. When people were lucky enough to survive another cold winter and another Nian / Year, they were congratulated—hence “Gung Hay Fat Choy.”

- Over time, traditions to start off the new year have evolved, but most have their roots in scaring off evil spirits and the Nian monster: wearing red, passing out lucky red envelopes with money, leaving the lights on for the first night of the year, and watching traditional dragon and lion dances accompanied by loud drums and loud, red firecrackers.

Lucky Number Eight, Hair, and Prosperity

- The word for the number “eight” (baat or bat) in Chinese sounds similar to the word for “prosperity” (faat or fat), making it the luckiest of all numbers. That’s why the Asian supermarket chain in Boston is named Super88 and not any other random number. It’s also why the Chinese decided to have the Beijing Olympics Opening Ceremony on 8/8/08 at exactly 8:08:08 local time. It’s THAT big of a deal.

- (Not really related to prosperity, but just pointing this out: The number “four” is the least lucky Chinese number because it’s a homonym for “death.” When it stands alone, it is unlucky, but if it is paired with another number, the phrase can change. “49″ means “dead enough,” “48″ means “die prosperous,” and “45″ means “can’t die.”)

- The word for “prosperity” is also a homonym of the root word for “hair” (tuw faat). For fear of washing away their prosperity, the Chinese do not wash their hair on the first day of the new year and for fear of cutting their prosperity, they do not cut their hair in the first few days following the new year.

The Role of the Elderly and Dead Ancestors

- Aging is a positive thing in China (although Americans might think we never physically age.. hehe). Age goes hand-in-hand with social status, power, and command for respect. A word for “old man” (gong) is the same as the word for a god. (For those of you who are Cantonese, think of “gong gong” the maternal grandfather and “ley gong” the thunder god.)

- When older relatives die, the Chinese believe they have power over the living. We depend on them for good health, fortune, and prosperity. We bow to their shrines, leave food out for their spirits to eat, burn fake money so they could use it in the afterlife, and address our prayers TO them—not have prayers about them. Indeed, dead ancestors are treated like gods. Again, it’s all about the power of family.

- Unlike American homes with lots of photos of children and the new generation, Chinese homes have lots of photos of and even shrines for grandparents and great-grandparents.

- Interestingly, even though New Year’s is the biggest and happiest holiday in China and funerals of grandparents are one of the saddest occasions, New Year’s and funerals share a few traditions.
- Just like how we do not get haircuts in the beginning of the new year, we also do not get haircuts for 49 (whose homonym is “dead enough”) days after an elderly’s death.
- The two main occasions in which red envelopes (”hong bao” or “lai see”) with money are passed out—especially from adults to unmarried children—are the New Year and at funerals. During the New Year, the amount in each envelope is always an even number, while at funerals, it is always an odd number. It perhaps illustrates the contrast between happiness and the death of an ancestor.

American New Year vs Chinese New Year

- Chinese New Year is a time to recognize once again that it’s not about me. It’s about us. It’s about eating together and being together with living family members. It’s about how well I’ve remembered dead ancestors throughout the year to be able to get new blessings from them this year. It’s about family and community.

- Right before the new year begins, the Chinese clean their homes, buy new clothes, and get haircuts to start anew and get rid of bad spirits. Being proactive is found right before the new year. Being reactive is found after the new year begins.

- When the Western New Year begins, it is about a newfound sense of determination in achieving individualistic goals, while the Chinese New Year is about a renewed sense of commemoration and remembrance of family and dead ancestors. It’s all about people together, not individuals.

- While Americans get things done on their own, the Chinese slow down just to hope for things from others. Americans become proactive, while the Chinese become reactive and open to receiving more blessings like happiness, good health, and wealth from dead ancestors.

- Influenced by Buddhism and Eastern religion, we recognize that to be happy, all we need to do is sit back and be thankful for what we are Given. After all, there’s nothing more worthy of gratefulness than surviving another Nian—another Year—and still being on this beautiful planet with family, friends, and community.

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So to all my family and friends who celebrate Chinese New Year or any other Lunar New Year, I wish you all the happiest new year possible.

Be healthy. Be happy. Be prosperous. Be hopeful. But most of all: Be grateful.

GUNG HAY FAT CHOY!!!!!!!! XIN NIAN KUAILE!!!!!!!! =)

(And yes, that would be a lucky 8 exclamation points.)

Love Always,

Nathan

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Peace. Love. Kindness. Goodness. Unity. Harmony.

Do you believe in them?

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I was stranded on an island over the summer.

After a job interview on Long Island, I wanted to explore the area for a few hours, so I took a bus to the nearby Fire Island to take photos.

When I was done, I walked back to the bus stop but saw the last bus of the evening already driving to the long bridge back to Long Island.

There I stood, alone at the edge of a quickly emptying visitor parking lot, as the sun was already setting and everyone was heading home. I had only two choices:

1. Walk the 6 miles back to the Long Island train station I had to be at.
2. Call a taxi company so I could pay the hefty sum for someone to get me off that island.

I looked at the parking lot behind me and saw a dozen cars remaining. The last few visitors were leaving.

In the spur of the moment, I reminded myself I could always depend on one of my deepest faiths: human kindness. I decided to create a third way back: I would ask for a ride from a complete stranger.

I noticed a large family with one of its members packing their car as the rest of them were still using the nearby visitor bathroom. I approached the one packing the car. I crossed my fingers.

“Hi, are you heading back to Long Island? I missed the last bus back and was wondering if you would just drop me off at the train station.”

He looked at me, seemed to kinda examine and gauge me for a while, as if—obviously as if—no one in this country ever asks for these kinds of favors.

But then his face softened at the opportunity. “Sure,” he said, “but the rest of my family isn’t ready yet. Come on over to meet them. What’s your name?”

There it was. The first stranger I asked said yes.

That family was incredibly open to accommodating me. After telling them I was visiting from Boston, they offered to drive me all the way back to Manhattan for my bus ride back to Boston (but I insisted I already bought a round-trip Long Island train ticket and that dropping me off at the nearby train station would be enough). Then they told me to take out my train map to make sure I indeed knew how to get back. And finally, when we got to the station, they even waited with me and chatted with me at the platform until I was safely on the right train.

But not only were they so accommodating, but they were also genuinely interested in me as a person. They treated me as if I were part of their family, asking me about my job interview, my career aspirations, and my missions in life. I was more than a stranger to them. They trusted me, listened to me, and befriended me—all while bringing me closer to home.

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Do we forget that kindness and goodness exist in this world?

The news and media have not only programmed us to pick up on just the negatives of human nature no matter how big or small, but they have also led us to believe that a world devoid of love is natural and inevitable. Their stories constantly warn us: Another murderer on the loose. War—still the only medium of exchange between countries. Be careful in your hometown. Be careful abroad. Don’t trust anyone. They’re all out to get you.

Is the world really that much of an ugly one and nothing more?

While everything shown in journalism may be real and while it may be a necessary evil dutifully warning us about dangers and threats, too much is left out. The big problem with journalism is not that its stories are not objective enough but that choosing which stories to tell will always be subjective.

True, cruelty and harshness exist in this world and yes, we must be aware of that, but if you look at the world with your own eyes and resist the lens that the cult of negative media wants you to wear, I think you’ll see that—although it often slips under the radar and is rarely publicized—kindness exists in this world; you’ll see that love—unlike loud and faceless hate—is often quiet and individualized; and you’ll see that we humans—at the very least—are capable of loving and being loved in return.

My friend Sidney Efromovich, the founder of Boston University’s Hug Don’t Hate organization, once said, “If you ever need to think outside the box, simply think into your heart; because your heart was never constrained by boxes.”

Imagine me again, stranded on that island.

Do I believe in love and kindness?

If I didn’t, I had two choices: walk or take a cab.

If I did, I could create new choices: ask for a ride, ask for money for a cab, call the bus company to explain my situation, knock on a local house to ask to stay the night, and much more.

Cynics laugh at these.

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The documentary God Grew Tired of Us tells the story of the “lost boys of Sudan”—the term given to the 30,000 who fled their war-torn country by foot during the Second Sudanese Civil War. In 2001, nearly 4,000 of them were invited by the United States and the International Rescue Committee to resettle in America.

The film follows the lives of three of these lost boys, showing their initial sense of confusion, amazement, and wonder as they grow accustomed to things we have in America that they never even knew existed: electricity, running water, public transportation, supermarkets, readily available food.

But even though they quickly become familiar with our technology, they never feel acclimated to our social lifestyle. Their grueling hours at work prevent them from spending quality time with friends. They can never say hello to a neighbor without getting weird looks. They feel utterly baffled at how they must watch out for theft and murder every time they step out their door.

Despite all the conveniences and opportunities in America, the lost boys of Sudan long for their home country, where villages are true communities, where locks do not exist, and where wandering strangers are invited into their huts, fed, and welcomed to stay.

If refugees want to go home to their war-torn country rather than stay in the world’s greatest superpower, what does that say about us?

Aren’t we the ones who got ourselves lost? Aren’t we the ones who are displaced from true humanity, true community? Aren’t we the ones who constantly seek refuge?

The joke’s on us. Still laughing?

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If, somewhere in the world, there exists a community so open to love, why can’t it exist here too?

If, sometime in your life, there existed a person so open to love, why can’t the stranger next to you be like that too?

We were all raised differently, we have all been exposed to different experiences, we have all learned different social etiquette.

But we’re all human, right? We were all born with the same capacity to love and be loved in return, right?

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Many people are starting to claim that “Love” is their religion. But what do they mean?

Do they only preach about it and pray for it? Or have they actually taken—as Kierkegaard once coined—a “leap to faith” to truly, deeply believe in the existence of love?

If a stranger asked them for a ride, would they give it? If they needed a ride from a stranger, would they ask for it?

If a stranger asked them if they could stay in their house, would they grant it? If they needed to stay at a stranger’s house, would they ask for it?

Are there different levels of faith in this religion called love? Are there different denominations of it too—some more focused on giving, some more focused on receiving, some more focused on preaching and praying, some more unafraid of doing?

Does it matter? Is that okay? Are they all still believers? I do not know.

But this I know: Every year America gives us a thicker, cloudier, and more cynical pair of glasses to see the world, and every year it takes that much more faith—that much more of a bigger leap—to take them off and throw them down, to step on them and crunch them, to want to approach every brand new stranger we see by leaning in, squinting at them, and recognizing in their individual, unique face that they, too, are human and that they, too, are capable of loving and being loved in return.

Saint Augustine said “Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.”

If we crunch our glasses and approach every stranger blindly, if we believe in love, kindness, and harmony despite the murderer on the loose and despite the ongoing wars, if we have faith in what is seemingly not there and not newsworthy, it is only then that we will start to see what we all secretly want to see, and it is only then that our hearts will open up to others and other hearts will open up to us, and it is only then that we will have enough hope to believe that the hate, discord, and cruelty we have been programmed to see does not need to be our natural course.

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Do you believe in peace, love, kindness, goodness, unity, and harmony?

It’s not about believing what we always see and hear. It’s about leaping and believing what we RARELY see and hear.

It’s not about denying and ignoring the existence of hate, discord, and cruelty. It’s about being faithful enough to believe peace, love, and harmony exist DESPITE anything that even resembles their ugly opposites.

It’s not about debating whether we are good or bad in our natural state. It’s about recognizing that all of us want love and peace in our CURRENT state.

It’s not about preaching and praying—we have more than enough of that. It’s about participating and performing—we need EVERYONE for that.

It’s not about resigning to safe neutrality and painstaking precaution. It’s about embracing blind positivity and undying, RELENTLESS love.

It’s not about giving up and saying most our hearts are already bruised and corrupted. It’s about giving in and saying ALL HEARTS, no matter how beaten, can still beat.

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The naive are not the ones who believe love can exist but the ones who believe that hate is all that is possible.

Not one of us can say we have never had negative feelings, but each one of us can say we have the capacity to love and be loved in return.

Let us not—for even one second—cynically believe that our negative feelings will always turn into negative actions and let us not—for even one second—safely assume that our positive feelings will always turn into positive actions.

Feelings are natural, actions are not.

It is because of actions that we see that people are good, people are bad, and that peace exists, war exists.

Neither is natural, neither is inevitable.

Never has the whole human population believed in one side or acted on one side. The world has always been balanced on a see-saw where neither peace, love, and harmony nor hate, discord, and cruelty have completely taken over, whether in our beliefs or in our actions.

But one CAN win over the other.

And it has always been up to us today to decide which way the world will sway.

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“On Peace, Love, and Harmony” is a three-part series written by the writer, filmmaker, and teacher Nathan S. Chow (http://nathanchow.net).

This article is the first part.

While believing world peace is possible is a crucial first step towards it, it is not enough. We must also do.

~~~ In Part II: Interbeing, Giving, and Receiving, find out how we humans are one and how we need to give and receive freely in order to keep love alive.

~~~ In Part III: Marching Inward and Onward, find out how we need to think small and change OUR world in order to change THE world.

These articles will be cross-posted to http://oncewelive.com, a collection of letters on peace, love, and happiness.

If you enjoyed this series, please share it! Thank you! =)

Love Always <3,
Nathan