nathan chow:

The only thing worse than not being loved is not being allowed to love.

- Nathan

“fallen”

by nathan s. chow

——–
the scene:

a new apartment bedroom, late at night.

other than a made mattress temporarily pushed to the side on the floor and a few big boxes lining the walls, not much else is in the bedroom yet, although the soft orange glow from a floor lamp’s paper shade single-handedly makes the room cozy.

seated in the middle of the bedroom floor, along with a few tools and a packet of screws and dowels: him and her, facing each other. a 90% finished wooden bed frame is the only thing that separates them.

it’s quiet and the room could really use some music—or at least a ticking clock—but they’re oddly—and beautifully—comfortable without it.

——–

after secretly watching the time on his cell phone for the last 30 minutes, he finally says it:

- him: i think you missed the last T.
~ her: what time is it?
- after 12:30.
~ no, usually i can still catch one before 1.

he glances up from the board he’s screwing.

~ her: but it’s okay. i’ll stay to help you finish this.
- you sure? it’s almost done.
~ yeah, it’s fine. i wanna help you finish.

he looks back down to pretend he’s working so he could say this casually:

- okay. well, if you don’t wanna walk back, you can stay over again.
~ i’ll see how tired i get.

it’s quiet again.

~ her: this really does look like a bookcase.
- yeah.

he glances at the assembly instruction book. he flips the page, then scans it and flips one more to confirm the last page is blank.

- him: alright. last step before we put the big boards on.. and then we’re done.

he reaches over the bed frame to hand her some metal dowel pieces.

- him: just put these into all those holes along the sides and the middle.
~ her: ‘kay.
(she points toward the head and foot of the frame.)
these too?
- yeah.

they insert dowels in their sides of the frame. halfway done with his side, he struggles with one of them.

~ her (with a smirk): can’t get it in?

their eyes meet as he shakes his head, holding back a smile.

she proceeds to insert dowels into the middle, head, and foot of the frame while he still struggles with the last one on his side.

as she finishes the whole frame, he gives up and puts the dowel down.

- him: remind me never to buy furniture from this company.
~ can’t you hammer it in again?
- now?? do i need to remind you what time it is?
~ time for your neighbors to think you’re finally having wild sex with that girl who always visits…?
- time for wishful thinking?

it’s her turn to hold back a smile.

- him: no, i really can’t. or i shouldn’t. that old russian couple below is gonna start givin’ me dirty looks again.

she thinks, where’s that adventurous side of him?

~ her:
one: you wanted your bed done tonight.
two: they hate you already.
and three: you already did some screwing on the floor. a little hammering won’t do any harm.
c’monnn. hammer away!
- wow…

because nothing ever does, she loves it in the rare case that she shocks him.

he stares at the bed frame for a moment and decides:

- him: okay, come here. you’re gonna help me do it in the air.

she coughs up a sudden laugh.

~ her: what!?
- him: shhhh!! (he puts his finger to his lips)
i said..
(in between laughter—not much quieter than hers)
..you’re gonna help me do it matrix style.
(he continues laughing at his own joke)
you’re gonna help me hammer this in the air.
~ are you serious? (she can never tell.)
- yes! (still with a mischievous smile.) come here. (even his eyes say it.)

she stands up and walks around the bed frame to him, not sure what she’s in for but always ready for another one of their silly adventures. their budding relationship had always reminded her of a quote by rose franken in her only married friend’s facebook profile: “anyone can be passionate, but it takes real lovers to be silly.”

was that the secret to good relationships? was that the spark missing in all the other dates she’s ever gotten since her last boyfriend? all of them were desirable, but all of them tried too hard to impress her, all of them always felt the need to have some sorta plan. none of them could let loose like this one…

why did he like her anyway? he’s had as many chances as her. out of all those girls he knew, why her? she glows during her short walk as if she’s one of the lucky ones called to the stage for some game show.

meanwhile, as he sits there with that last, lonely dowel at his knee, he watches her every step as she comes closer and closer. he watches her smile at him, he watches her tuck her hair behind her ear, but mostly, he watches her face—her face bathed in the soft orange glow of his floor lamp. he was mesmerized. it was just like that day they saw each other again for the first time since the summer: she had worn a sun dress whose top came undone for a moment. she asked him if he saw anything. he smirked and said no, but it wasn’t a lie. he was too distracted by her beautiful face, like now.

as she nears and smells his cologne, she doesn’t want to sit yet when she realizes just how close they’ll be. no more bed frame separating them. no more distance, no more safety, no more caution.

they were exposed.

she swallowed and decided:

~ i’m gonna use the bathroom first.
- alright. but you don’t need to flush.
~ why?
- i don’t wanna wake my roommate up.
~ you’re allowed to hammer but i can’t flush?
- you told me to!
~ i was joking!
- you were? (he knows she was.) too late.
~ i’ll flush softly.
- you’ll flush softly? how do you flush softly?
~ don’t worry about it.

she giggles as she roughs his hair on her way out the door.

while she’s away, he thinks of how close they’ve started to become this past week, how they reached that stage when neither of them was afraid of inviting each other to the most trivial of activities—grocery shopping, studying outside, cooking, assembling furniture—but he also thinks of how they could still be closer. he loved not just the adorable way she laughs, but especially how often. he admired it, desired it. he already considered themselves partners—not boyfriend, girlfriend—no, they never even kissed yet—but partners. there was something about that word that rang so true in describing them. partners…

he picks up the dowel and rolls it between his fingers before trying to squeeze it into the hole one more time.

meanwhile, in the bathroom’s dim light, she checks herself out in the mirror. she rinses her face, scrubbing off a little patch of dry skin. did he notice that? or the whitehead? she knows he’ll think she’s attractive regardless of anything, but she still wanted to look her best, still wanted to be called beautiful by him again.

she fixes her hair and flushes the toilet she never used. she’s ready.. but for some reason, she’s still completely drawn to her image in the mirror. she continues staring at it, remembering the party she and her roommates hosted two nights ago:

—
she had disappeared to her bedroom mirror to pretend to put on new earrings, but really, she just wanted some time to herself—and to see if he would follow. after what seemed like eternity, a quiet knock came at her slightly open door. in the mirror, she was able to see his face peer in, framed by the door and wall. their eyes met in the mirror. she liked to imagine his concerned but cute look meant he was thinking, “where were you?”

it was exactly what he was thinking. as much as he enjoyed meeting new people at her party—and as much as he had enjoyed meeting new girls in the whole year since his last relationship ended, he liked her too much not to notice she was missing. out of all the girls he’s had chances with, she was the only one who just seemed.. right—and he oddly loved that feeling of starting to surrender to someone again.

“you look beautiful already,” he had said to her. he closed her bedroom door and made his way to her as she followed his eyes in the mirror. he hugged her from behind: his body pressed against hers, his arms wrapped around her neck, his chin resting on her shoulder. “but this looks even better,” he whispered to the two of them in the mirror together. there was no reaction from him or her. no smiles, no words. just thoughts.

that was the moment she fell for him—how could she not?—and it was inevitable that ever since, every time she looked in a mirror and saw the empty space next to her, she thought of that moment, of him—of them—and of the quiet conversation they had afterwards lying on her bed for hours amidst the loud music and craziness beyond the walls of her bedroom. they felt so special and exclusive there—like partners, knowing they were both abandoning everyone else, knowing they had absolutely everything they wanted right there in that bedroom already.

but at the time, they were still too afraid to touch, too afraid to kiss.
—

she flips off his bathroom light and makes her way back to his bedroom. tonight might be different, she thought.

- him: that was totally not a soft flush.
~ her (with a smile): you try.
- i wasn’t the one who said i could flush softly.
~ why? is yours always hard?
- i.. think i corrupted you.

she temporarily puts her hand on his back as she sits next to him on the floor.

- him: okay, so i need you to hold the frame up like this..
(he lifts one side of the bed frame up just a few inches.)
..so i can hammer the dowel in without making too much noise below.
~ her (laughing at him): this isn’t gonna make much of a difference.
- you gonna whine or you gonna hold it?

she kneels.

her hands take over the bed frame as he gets up, but it’s too heavy for her.

he quickly crouches to help.

- him: let me go down.

he eyes her hands: her lonely thumbs sticking out of the sides of the frame as her fingers are grasping the bottom.

even though he wishes he could be bold enough to place his hands under hers and hold them like he wants to hold her—or at least place his hands snug close to hers—he places one just close enough so their skin can touch for a moment.

- him: i got it.

she lets her hands linger on the frame—cherishing the few seconds their skin was touching—not ready to let go. she knows what he did, and he knows what she did.

i got it, he reminds her.

she takes her hands off as he supports the frame with just one hand.

they switch positions as he kneels and she gets up. he puts both hands on the frame.

- him: grab the hammer and a nail from that packet.

after doing so, she puts the nail in the hole and before striking it, says:

~ you were serious about this, right?
- yeah.

she looks skeptical. she hesitates making the noise.

- him (imitating her from before): c’monnn! hammer away!
~ shut up.

she hits the nail softly. tap tap tap.

- him: harder…

she eyes him, trying to sense what’s too loud.

TAP TAP tap tap.

- him: okay, this isn’t gonna work. you need to hit it hard enough in various parts of the hole to make it big enough for the dowel.
~ her: that’s what she said…

they freeze and laugh together at how ridiculous they look.

suddenly, she pretends to put her serious face on.

BOOM BOOM BOOM.

~ her: this hard enuff for ya?

BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM.

it’s too loud.

- him: alright, stopstopstopstop.

BOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOMBOOM.

- him: stop!

BOOOOOOM BOOOOOOM BOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

- him: stop!!!

she bursts out laughing.

- him: ohhh my god.

he watches her cute laugh as her body wiggles uncontrollably and she covers her mouth with the knuckles of her free hand. any guy would want to hug her.

and this is exactly why i like her, he thinks.

she calms down.

~ her: there’s something hard at the bottom of that hole. the nail won’t go in.

it’s his turn to look at her skeptically.

~ her: i swear. your furniture is deformed.
- you mean it’s defective?
~ no, it’s deformed. (she giggles a little more.)

he sets the frame back down and tries hammering the nail in, not caring about the neighbors below. it won’t budge.

~ her: so much for doing it matrix style…
- okay, forget about this. it’s one dowel. i’m sure this piece of crap will hold together without it.

he puts the hammer and nail down.

- him: so just help me fit those on top. (he points to the four big slabs of wood with his chin.)

they walk over to the pile of wood and lift one up together. they fit it onto the frame by matching its holes with the frame’s dowels sticking up.

- him: or actually.. i’ll get the wood and you just push them down.
~ her: ‘kay.

they work quietly during the second and third slabs.

when he picks up the fourth and sets it onto the frame, she pushes the edges down onto the dowels.

she gets to the middle one—the “deformed” part—and says:

~ this frame is bound to break. you’re gonna die in your sleep.
- i’m gonna put the mattress on top and you’re gonna test it out for me, okay?
~ uhhh no. you wish. you just want me on your bed.
- we can die together.
~ that’s so sweet.

they go over to the wall to lift one side of the mattress. they drag it onto the top of his new platform bed frame. together they push the mattress to the center of it.

he walks to the other side to check that the mattress is centered.

the finished frame, in a random, awkward position in the middle of the room, not even parallel to the walls—separates them once more.

- him: oookay. get on.
~ no way. you go.
- it was one dowel. did you see how many others were holding the top in place?
~ yeah, and did you see how many screws you had to hammer into the base all day before we tried that last one in the air?
- definition of a true all-nighter.
~ i’m not getting on that.

she knows it’s probably safe, but just for the sake of playfulness, she wants to pretend to be afraid. this was unlike her real fear since her last breakup: the fear of trusting a new guy. it took a while, but that was eventually dissolved by him. when she first noticed he liked her, she thought it was just another one of their jokes. but he persisted and there was never a punchline. she was flattered by his commitment to her and his patience in waiting until she was ready for him. she was able to depend on him for anything.. and he was always able to put her at this special, magical sense of ease, this sense of letting go and living.

was she supposed to think about this stuff anyway? or was she supposed to just “go with it”—the way he was so good at?

- him: you’re getting on!

she snaps out of her thoughts and sees him jogging around the bed frame towards her, ready to push her onto the bed.

~ her: AHHHHH!

she tries to dodge him, but he grabs her in a half-hug, half-wrestling grasp. she manages to turn her body away from the bed, but he rotates her so her back is facing the bed once again.

~ her (giggling): noooo! i’m not getting on!
- (in between final struggles) yes. you. are.

he gets her near the edge of the bed and releases his hands from his grip around her waist and back so he could push her shoulders.

as she falls backwards onto the bed, it slides enough with her momentum that a third of the mattress hangs in mid-air over the frame, with her head hanging over the edge of the mattress, looking at the wall behind her.

she hadn’t even noticed, but while she was trying to break free from his grip, her own arms were tightly wrapped under his armpits and grasping his back, as if holding him close to her, as if wanting them both to fall together…

so there they were: him, on top of her, on top of a hanging mattress, on top of a 99% finished bed frame sloppily sitting smack in the middle of the room—all in the middle of the night, all immersed in orange light.

she surrenders. she lets her right arm slip off his back and fall onto the mattress, her hand close to her head but not quite drooping over the mattress. her left arm stays loosely rested on his back.

it wasn’t to pin her down—no, she was his already—but he doesn’t know why he fit his left hand into her right hand, their fingers finally intertwining and locking like puzzle pieces. it just seemed automatic, seemed right—like her.

with her head arched toward the back wall, he couldn’t see her face, but she wanted him to know that she wanted this too, that the softness and warmth of his hands said so much about his personality that she fell for and could resist no longer.

all she could do was think about it—about how their hands and legs were intertwined, about how tightly their bodies were pressed together, about how good this felt to be so close to him. all she could do was blink once at the blank, undecorated wall behind her, until…

CLACKKK—some part of the bed frame breaks and..

BOOM—the foot of the foundation splits in two and that end of the mattress falls to the floor, making the frame and mattress look like a ramp.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHahahahahahahaha!!—her shriek as if she were coming down a roller coaster transforms into laughter.

~ her: it’s deformed!

ACCCCK—the head of the frame starts to creak. it’s on the verge of breaking and dropping the whole mattress to the floor…

she shakes with hysteria as he puts his right forefinger on her lips.

she uses her energy to lift her head up so their eyes meet.

shhhhh, he says with a calm smile, knowing that anything they say would be too small for what they’re feeling.

she melts a little.

at ease. it’s magic. it’s HIM. but her heart beats faster. could he hear that?

you know we’re gonna fall, she whispers.
i know, he says.

he moves his right hand to run through some of her hair before cupping the side of her face, supporting her head so it wouldn’t have to hang.

their eyes lock. she blinks.

ACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK—the head of the frame creaks some more.

anytime now, the frame that once separated them would come crashing down.

his left hand holds onto her hand a little tighter, his right thumb caresses her cheek a little softer.

they’re close enough to inspect everything about each other. they think about how incredibly beautiful they would look even if they weren’t bathed in the orange light. nope, the orange light was too candle-ish for them, too romantic, too passionate. they didn’t need that. these two were partners, these two were silly. these two were meant to be real lovers.

for a moment, the creaking takes over.

they look at each other the way first kisses begin..

..and the last piece snaps.

it was only in innocent motion, whether wrestling or tickling or some silly spur-of-the-moment game, that they were not afraid of touching each other.

he had just won their wrestling match when he loosened his arm around her neck. sprawled diagonally across her bed, together they put their game to a pause.

no more motion, but his arm lingered on her, dangling on her neck as if it were an unsure and wimpy hug.

i could sleep like this, she whispered.

he looked at her awkward position. there is no way that’s comfortable, he thought.

but she was afraid that if she shifted just a little bit or said anything about how umcomfortable she really was, he would take his arm off.

and he knew what she meant. and he, too, was afraid that if she hadn’t said that, he’d have to remove his arm from her, for fear of motionless touch.

but his arm stayed—motionless, unafraid—as their touch sang them a lullaby and they fell into a nap together.

oh, the dinner date was okay, but it was when we stood on her street corner talking under my umbrella until the rain stopped that I knew this girl was for me.

P.S. just for future reference: any posts categorized under “writing” are not autobiographical. please stop asking lol.

gone were the whispered desires
when we embraced with naked arms
and together named a flame.

- Nathan

we must’ve spent hours together, staring into each others’ eyes as we masqueraded into the night. then the live band stopped and the lights went up, and as everyone else went back to the lobby, there we stood: the only ones left in the middle of the dance floor. so much space, so much time, and all it built up to was a little kiss on your forehead. we said good-bye even if we never said hello. we never introduced ourselves, and by the time my knuckles were caressing your cheek for the last time, i knew i’d never see you again.

when i thought of you in bed that night, i had an empty space next to me – but i also woke up with your name forever on my lips.

- Nathan

(before i get bombarded with questions, i’d like to say that this is purely fictional)

When he was put back on the shelf, Teddy finally realized that he was loved only in the fleeting moments when there were spiders.

if you’re gonna take my wallet, please know that i can always cancel my credit cards, earn more cash, and find new lucky pennies.

but if you steal our only photo, it will hurt me to know that i won’t have the chance to take another picture of us ever again.

- Nathan